Happy Birthday, Mr. President! At 50 years old, you are officially an antique. Those gray hairs will come a lot easier now.

Celebrating Good Times

President Obama received an early birthday present from 2,400 of his wealthiest friends on Wednesday. It was a night to remember, a $3,580,000 night. Jennifer Hudson sang him “Happy Birthday,” and Rahm Emanuel provided backup vocals. You should have been there.

Good to Know

Last night we learned from the President that as far as fixing the economy is concerned, “we’re not even half way there yet.” We hope you’re excited to see what the other half looks like. It all would have gone a lot faster except “we’ve got this big, messy, tough, democracy.”

Friend or Foe?

OPEC has a new president—Rostam Ghasemi. This gentleman is a former commander of Iran’s revolutionary guard, currently serving as Ahmadinejad’s oil minister. Mr. Ghasemi is subject to US, EU, and Australian sanctions, and his assets have been blacklisted by the US Treasury. Finally someone new! Maybe he can help reduce gas prices.

Monumental

The national debt now exceeds GDP. The Treasury was so excited by the new debt ceiling extension that it went out and borrowed $238 billion in one day. This took the grand total to $14.58 trillion. It’s beginning to look like this new limit might not even last through the next election.

Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Cellular Communication

Free cell phones are now a civil right. Dr. King’s “dream” is finally complete now that providers in Pennsylvania are required to fund 250 minutes a month and a free handset for those who can’t it. Guess who gets to absorb the extra $4 billion in yearly expenses? That’s right, the paying customers.

Don’t Upset the Nanny

Reason TV shows that the government is here to protect you from knowingly purchasing raw food, at least in California. You cannot be trusted to make wise decisions for your own health. Please let those who are more qualified guide you on your daily path. They know you better than a brother.